"So how was your journey?" The Lama asked me.
"Tiring, but that must be because of my physical condition. But this place is beautiful, indeed beautiful. Bit far, though," I replied.
"Yes, yes, yes.... The journey towards Beauty is always a tiring one. Beauty is not easily attainable. One must strive. But you are here now, so you can relax. No more conflict with death, accept it.... Accept it as you have been accepting life so far. Perhaps death is more beautiful than life.... You never know - for you have not experienced death in this life."
Yes, he was right. I had not experienced death in "this" life. I was to experience "death in this life". I was to die while living. Death was not opposed to life anyway. Just like eating, drinking, walking, sleeping, making love, brushing your teeth and washing yourself - death, I realized, was just another experience. Life did not end with death. How could an experience end one's life ? And even if one's life ended, how could it end Life?
The Lama was following my chain of thoughts : "Do not fly, do not run away - face the challenges of life with smile on your lips. We tend to forget that we are one hundred percent responsible for whatever happens to us. We create our problems, so we have to face them.... solve them ourselves."
There was nothing new in what he said. I had heard similar words spoken by others. I had read them in books. No, those words were not new. And yet they sounded so "fresh". They refreshed my being. Then I realized that it was the "man behind the gun" who made the difference.
Words are just words. Anyone can use them, and then they will just remain words. It is only when words are "not used" but "emerge" from your heart, from your soul, that they made a difference. And those words, at that time, were coming from the deep recesses of the Lama's heart, from his very being, his soul. The words came from that point of his being which was always at onement with Existence. It was as if The Existence spoke to me.
Now that was new. The power with which those words were spoken was new. "Do whatever you want to do, whatever you have been wanting to do. Do not suppress your emotions. Shout, scream, and express yourself... Free yourself from the trash of thoughts. Let go of all your anxieties and worries, disappointments and fears... and then it will be easier for you to enter the state of meditativeness. There you will experience bliss. In that state you will find true health and unending happiness."
He was giving me materials with which to make tools for meditation. There and then I was inspired to make such tools and use them on myself, for myself. I experimented with them and found them very useful. I used them and found them handy. They cleared my way to meditation.
(Based on the experience in Leh, the Sound Resonance Formula given in Shuka Nadi and my own experiments with meditation before and after the Leh experience, I later developed techniques that I have been privileged to share with millions in Indonesia, through book, radio talks and television programs. Simpler versions of these techniques are given in the last chapter of this book, "Say Yes to the River".)
It was also in Leh that I realized that meditation couldn't be taught. A master can only point the way to it. Meditation is a "happening" but you can expedite it by preparing the ground where it is to happen. And the ground is one's own heart, one's own being, one's soul.
Meditation techniques given by a master are tools to clear the ground of your being. Again, tools are but tools. They are made of the same materials. Before you really get to use them, they may even look alike to you. But once you start using them, you realize that certain tools give way before the job is done. They are not tough enough. So the person who has prepared those tools makes the difference.
In that high plateau of Leh, my river was crystal clear. And I could see the reflection of my soul in it. I had the opportunity to review the events of my life in their entirety. Some of them were experiences, but others were deliberate experiments. Earlier I saw no difference between the two.
Experiences are something that you are going through, something that you must go through. But experiments were different. They are something that you undertake, and there's nothing wrong in that. There must be some reason behind it. Both the experiences as well as the experiments are parts of life's learning process. If the lesson is not learnt, it remains unlearned, then we keep undergoing the same experiences, we keep on doing the same experiments.
I was learning from my life's lesson :
Freedom from fear, both known and unknown - for fear was fear. It stopped your soul from growing.
I had been a monk in the days of The Awakened One.
I had wandered as a monk with The Savior.
I had traveled to China as a monk too.
I looked at my robe - I was still a monk.
The Lama smiled at me, "Now you are moving.... Disrobe yourself. Throw away that robe. The robe did not help you in your inner growth. It became a hindrance, an obstacle. You can grow better without it."
"But I love this robe."
"No, you don't. You are attached to it."
I saw his point. It was funny though, because someone in a robe himself was making the point.
He laughed, "You think it is funny that someone in a robe himself is telling you to disrobe."
"Forgive me, but I must be honest... yes, I think it is rather funny."
Between the two of us, one must retain his robe. The other can do without it. I am too lazy to do what the one who disrobes must do. So you do the job - remain here in the Himalayas."
"What job, Sir?" I love this place and would rather breathe my last in this place. I am not going anywhere." "That is not for you to choose. You have no choice in this matter. You must go, go back to Indonesia. That is Your Karma Bhoomi.
He reminded of the Shuka Nadi - Indonesia was my "work place".
After speaking about death its inevitabililty, and advising me to accept it, the Lama was now speaking about life, its continuity and my task, my job, my work. My mind however revolted no more. So what if I was dying? So what if I continued to live?
| Sathya Sai Baba|
I was still in Leh when one night I dreamt of Sathya Sai Baba. He asked me in Hindi, "How are you doing?"
I was aware that it was just a dream. Still in the dream, I also recollected the master telling a group of devotees once that nobody could dream about him unless he allowed it.
I bowed down in my dream and kissed his feet. He told me "Vichaar nahin karne Kaa." That is "Don't you worry about anything."
I thanked him and was about to bow down again when he raised me and embraced me: "Here, this is your place - in my heart."
I was touched, moved, and tears began to flow from my eyes. I remembered him twice before doing and saying the same thing - physically, of course, not in the dream.
My mind was very active during the entire dream session. And I was "aware" of its activity. I was "consciously" dreaming and watching my mind's activity - an unusual experience.
"Back in the 60s I told Kasturi that you have come again and that you were growing up in Solo. I purposely did not mention the name Krishna or Kishin. I said Ananda had come again. But kasturi thought I was talking about Swami Vivekenanda. The old man had also not heard of Solo, so he thought I meant Ceylon."
That was something I knew. I knew that Baba had made an announcement about Vivekananda's reincarnation in Ceylon. And the announcement was recorded in one of the books (The Second Volume of "Sathyam Shivam Sundaram : The Life of Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba" by N. Kasturi, M.A., B.L. Exact words of Baba as recorded by him in the 2nd edition of the book printed in 1973 by Sri Sathya Sai Education Foundation Bombay, were : "Vivekananda has come again; he is growing up in Ceylon; he will come to me and join in my task").
"That's why," Baba continued, "When you first came to Prasanthi (Prasanthi Nilayam, or The Abode of Peace - his ashram), I said to you,'So you have come.' "
In one of my previous lives, I was called Ananda. Baba had made a public announcement of my "coming and growing up", but so what? I have had a great past life, again so what ? I must still strive to maintain my awareness in this life.
Baba nodded his head in affirmation. He knew well what went on in my mind in that dream,"Yes, yes, yes... Maintain your awareness and remain in love. There are no two tasks; 'My' Task is also your task. It is the Divine Task. Work for it, Ananda."
At that point my mind revolted : "Why didn't you tell me all this in Prasanthi? Why not physically? Why in the dream? Why did you neglect me there?"
I had so many "whys". The Master chuckled, "Didn't I say, vichaar nahin karne kaa? Don't you worry about anything. Don't you think about those things again. A mother takes care of her children when they are still small and growing up. Once they are big, grown up, they can take care of themselves. They will have families and children of their own. And yet the relation between a mother and her child is never broken. It is still there. Physically close or not, you are dear and near to me. Go back to Indonesia and work for the Divine Cause."
The dream ended with instruction, injunction - whatever....
I decided to keep the dream experience to myself. It was very personal anyway. But the Lama knew about it already. In the morning he said to me, "It takes more than one person to persuade you to go back to Indonesia. One Lama is not enough, huuh..."
That was perhaps my fourth day in Leh. The body was not well, yet I felt quite well. I realized that the feeling of wellness came from the sense of beauty. I looked at the peaks of the Himalayas, and they looked beautiful to me. The Shindu was also beautiful. And so were the Lamas around me, The monastery and other buildings where they lived and prayed. The earth and the skies - everything was beautiful. And their beauty was alive. It was not like the dead beauty of man-made paintings. Then suddenly even the man-made paintings, the beautifully painted Thankas with their great devotion, those "dead" wall hangings became alive too. Everything was throbbing with life.
I saw the carcass of a dead bird. Rather, it was "shown" to me, and I realized that even the carcass was not dead. It was in the process of reunion with the elements it was made of. I murmured, "Death is a fiction."
The Lama came running to me, yes, literally running: "But then fiction is also life. Life is everywhere. Look, look, look.... Look around."
I Looked around and found the face of God everywhere as mentioned in The Holy Qur'an. I realized that God covered everything, as mentioned in the Upanishads. And that its Kingdom was within man, within each living being as Jesus had said. I thanked the Buddha within me for the realization.
Dhyanam Sharanam Gatchaami,
Anaatmaanam Sharanam Gatchaami,
Nirvaanam Sharanam Gatchaami.......
It is through Meditation that I have come to this realization. I therefore seek refuge in Meditation.
Meditation has freed me from mind's turmoil and turbulences. I seek refuge therefore, in that State of No Mind.
Finally this No-State of No-Mind has led me to freedom. Unto that Eternal Freedom from Eternity even, I seek refuge.
I wanted to scream, to shout, and to tell everybody that I was free.
"So what's keeping you from that? Go and tell everybody that you are free," said the Lama.
But then I realized that I had never been bound anyway. I had always been free. I just did not know it.
"So now that you know - share your knowledge, your awareness. Go back to Indonesia, to the land that gave your birth, to your Motherland, and proclaim this truth for one and all to know."
"What truth, Sir? What is there to proclaim? Truth remains truth, even though not proclaimed. It does not increase by proclamation. Nor does it decrease by non-proclamation."
"Share that very knowledge with your countrymen. People are sleeping, wake them up."
Okay, so I had to play the role of a "shout-man" - to wake people up. No big deal. I will shout and shout and shout. Even if they did not like my shouting, I will still shout. But that shouting job can be done anywhere. Aren't there people sleeping in Leh?
We were on one of the terraces, and the Lama took me to the edge from where the Himalayan peaks could be seen in their full glory and majesty : "Yes, you can do the shouting job anywhere. Here, in India, your job can be very easy too. For people are used to shouters like you. There, in Indonesia, you have a hard job. People are not used to shouters. There has been no shouter there for many years.
"Here, in India, you can have a large following in a matter of days. People in the millions would flock around you, like they flock around Sai Baba and so many other gurus.
"There, in Indonesia, people will laugh at you. They will ridicule. At first they will not listen to you. Then when sections of society begin to listen to you , other sections will be jealous of you. They will throw stones at you. They will not stop criticism, but will intimidate you, terrorize you.
"And yet Indonesia is your Destiny. India has enough Gurus and charlatans. The west has its share too. But Indonesia is dry. That is your work place, your Karma Bhoomi."
"I am not a Guru. I do not want to become one."
"That makes you a Guru. Your very rejection makes a Guru of You. One who claims to be a Guru is no Guru."
I was still a student, I thought. I was learning and I could go on learning all my life. Why be a Guru?
"Who is stopping you from learning? While learning though, you can already share the lessons you have learnt. A Guru is one who shares his light of learning, nothing more than that."
Did I have anything to share? Did I have anything of worth to share? The Lama looked to me compassionately, "Yes, you do have. You have Love. And nothing is more worthy than Love. You have experienced love in all its forms. You have experimented with it in many ways. You have seen all its facets. Share your love. For all that humankind needs is Love. It has been so in the days gone by, It is so now, and it will remain so forever."
"Love support life. Love is at the base of the entire creation. Without Love there is neither Existence, nor Non Existence. Universes come and go; Love remains. It does not come, and it does not go. It is all pervading, The Omnipotent and Omniscient One."
"I am afraid." I was sure the Lama knew why I was afraid, what I feared.
The Lama laughed, "You fear that you may fall. Listen, my dear friend, both the heights and the depths are imaginary. Love transcend Both. Move on with Love; live in love; act lovingly, and you will be all right. Trust Love. Have faith, believe in it. Love is trustworthy."
I trusted Love. I did have faith and believed in it What I lacked, I thought, was the "self-confidence" necessary for my new role.
"No, no, no - no self confidence is required." Then he repeated the same words with a different emphasis, "No-Self Confidence is required. Go beyond Self, attain to that Non-State of No-Self. Be confident of No-Self. Attain the Unattainable. Better still; forget confidence and no confidence. Let go of self and no-self. What remains then is Love, pure 100% Love - share that Love, Easy, simple - isn't it ?"
Yes, it was
It became so
Love was easy.
Love is indeed simple.
That was my fifth day in Leh. At night, I dreamt of another master - one that had already passed through transition. Back in 1975 when I met him, he did not make much sense to me. That was Osho, earlier known as Bhagavan Sri Rajneesh. The western media often called him The Sex Guru, because of his Tantric outlook towards life.
| Bhagavan Shri Rajneesh, Osho|
Actually, Tantric outlook essentially means Holistic outlook towards life. A Tantric does not differentiate matter from energy; and one form or type of energy from another form, another type.
I regretted my ignorance and rejection of the Master, "Master, I did not understand you then."
"Understanding me is not important. Understanding is important. And that you now have, in plenty too. Let us celebrate this phase of your life - this phase of true understanding and awareness.
"I shall give you a name, a new name, to celebrate the birth of Neo-You. What about Anand Krishna? That is a good name. What about Anand Krishna? Anand, as you know, means 'blissful'. And, Krishna is 'The Attractive One'. You will attract thousand, lacs and crores (Hindi words meaning hundred of thousands and millions) and lead them to Ananda - Bliss Supreme."
I discussed my dream with the lama and asked if that was not the projection of my mind, my subconscious mind.
"What is not the projection of mind? This very life is but a projection of mind. All three states of waking, sleeping and dreaming exist in mind. It is only when you transcend them, go beyond the mind, that you have a glimpse of Non-reality Reality. That is the Fourth, The State called Turiya, simply The Fourth. How does one describe that state ? One cannot. It is indescribable. It is an inexperienceable experience. For it is not experienced in the ordinary way by our senses. The ultimate, my dear friend, is Non-Sense. That Non-Sense, verily , is the Ultimate."
Still in Leh, I saw a statue of someone called Dharmakirti Svarnadvipi. The name Dharmakirti did not ring any bell, but the last name Svarnadvipi did. In olden days the Island of Sumatra in Indonesia was called Svarnadvipa. Both, Sumatra and Svarnadvipa meant one and the same thing - The Island of Gold. Swarnadvipi would therefore mean, "One from Svarnadvipa".
The Lama confirmed it, "Yes, yes yes.... Sage Dharmakirti lived in Svarnadvipa. He was a great teacher of meditation. We tibetans revere him as Guru of Atisha, the celebrated Indian Sage who taught us 'Seven Points of Wisdom'. Students from the Indian Subcontinent and China would, in those days, travel to Svarnadvipa just to meet the Sage. It took them months to get there and many died on the way, never getting back to their homelands. Atisha not only got back to India after spending years in the ashram of Dharmakirti, but also spread his Guru's teaching on Boddhichitta to Tibet. From where it traveled to China and then to Japan."
I was familiar with the phrase Boddhichitta, which meant "An Awakened Mind". I remembered reading a book on the subject and could recollect the name Atisha too. What I did not know was that he had had an "Indonesian Guru", and that the teachings originated from him.
For the next few nights thereafter, my last nights in Leh, I had dream visions of both Atisha and Dharmakirti. It was like watching a television serial on their lives and teachings (The story is given in one of my books in Indonesian).
"These are holy Grounds. The vibes here are very strong - spiritual, divine vibes. Atisha was here. He spent some time in this monastery. So did The Savior. Both of them loved this place. The buildings in this monastery have changed, but the Monastery has not. In fact the room you now occupy was once occupied by The Savior."
The Lama paused for what seemed like eternity, then continued : "You have been here before. Don't you remember?"
Yes, I remember. I did. It took me no more than a second to remember the life with The Savior. Then the second stretched to a lifetime. With and without him, I saw myself spending months in that monastery.
I got scared, "All these memories are still fresh in my mind. They are documented and stored in my brain. What am I to do with them? How do I get rid of them? How do I free myself from my mind? I do not want to live in the past. I want to live in the present, in this moment - here and now."
"Memories are but memories. Accept them as memories, nothing more - nothing less.
"Do not react to them, and you are already free from them. It is your reaction to the past that can bind you. If you do not react, you are not bound. The memories may then still be there, but they cannot affect you in anyway."
My last day in Leh was spent learning about World History seen from a different perspective - from the spiritual perspective. I was "made" to learn that we were in the last leg of a 5,000 years cycle that started immediately after the last nuclear war.
Yes, The Last Nuclear War. And the whole world, the whole of humankind at that time was involved in the war. The nations were divided into two groups, one favoring the Pandava, the other the Kauravas. Both Pandavas and Kauravas actually belonged to one and the same dynasty of Bhrata. The Great War is therefore known as Bharatayudha or Mahabharat.
(Later a trilogy was written on the subject by, or rather "through" me. Camouflaged as a work of fiction and written in Indonesia, the story in the trilogy actually answers many questions. Issues like terrorism and why certain people, or rather certain "groups" of people become terrorist are not only discussed but also explained, and the solutions given.)
"The chances for another nuclear war are therefore next to none. Humanity as an 'Entity' has learnt its lesson from the last war. The nuclear war then destroyed all the resources we had. We even lost the scientist and men of knowledge. Humanity had to start all over again - start from scratch. Nuclear accidents may happen. Nations may stand against each other, involving their allies. But NO Nuclear World War."
Sometimes a trauma is also necessary. It can save you from disaster. It can stop you from repeating the same mistakes. Then even a traumatic experience becomes part of life's learning process.
"Learn from those traumatic experiences. But do not remain in the experience. If you remain in it, you cannot learn anything from it. The learning process begins from the point where you are out of the traumatic experience." The Lama added.
My stay in Leh was full of surprises. Minutes before I left the Airport, The Lama had yet another surprise for me : "You can have access to the minds of the Buddhas, the Awakened Ones, the Jivan Muktas - those who have attained to freedom from psychic and physical laws while still retaining their physical bodies."
But what was I to do with such knowledge? How would it benefit me to access such discarded minds? No matter how beautiful, how fine those minds were.
"Life is a game, play it - play with it. Be playful, my dear Anand Krishna." That was the first time someone addressed me with my new name. I liked it. Anand Krishna - The name sounded right to me.
"A game may or may not be beneficial. A game is a game, and to be enjoyed as such - as a game," The Lama continued.
I realized my mistake. Life was not all mathematics. Life went beyond the calculation of loss and gain. the question of beneficial or not was therefore meaningless.
"Accept life in its totality, friend. Embrace it...." And then the Lama proceeded to teach me what he called "the science" of accessing those minds.
And it was beneficial. I realized that the science could benefit many.
"Life IS all beneficial. There is not a thing that is not beneficial. Life has no opposite. Life is life. Therefore the use of the word 'beneficial' is also not appropriate. For every word has its opposite."
In short, "the science" was about identifying the phase of evolution that your soul is undergoing. It also involved identification of your life's pattern. There are not too many anyway. And this part of science can easily be mastered.
Then, and this is a bit difficult, you have to find a suitable match to your own life pattern and soul's evolution. And this match must be the "discarded mind" of one of those Awakened Ones.
At the time of "death" an Awakened One not only discards his body, but also his or her mind. Such discarded minds then turn into small minute particles and fragments and become the "most precious dust" of the universe - the energy dust. By accessing one of those particles or fragments one can experience a quantum leap of consciousness For instance, if you access one of the particles from Jesus' mind, then you need not undergo all the experiences that he had to undergo in his lifetime to attain the Christhood - you can attain the same level of consciousness instantly.
This was the second part of the science.
The third part involved the maintenance of such consciousness until you last breath. And that was the most difficult part of it. "One must correctly identify the particle one wants to access. First, the Awakened being whose particles of mind you want to access must be a kind of 'Hero' for you - an Ideal Being that you actually love. For instance, if you are drawn toward the 'person' of Jesus, then try accessing his discarded mind. Do not try to access the mind of Siddharta, though both of them were enlightened, awakened beings.
"Secondly, it is easier to access the mind discarded within the last 500 years. And thirdly, you must ensure that the mind you are accessing is a 'discarded' one. In other words, it must have belonged to an awakened being.
"You may consider your favorite religious leader as an awakened being and try to access his mind. If his mind is still whole, dense and occupying a different body now, then you will be accessing that body. In that case the leap which one experiences is negligible, not a quantum one.
"Easiest of all would be to identify a Living Master who is on the last leg of this or her journey. Such a master is on his or her way to immortality, where death is no more - all is life, life and life... Give yourself up to such a master. Love him or her deeply, with all your heart and soul. Think of the master all the while. You can even easily meditate on such a master, for he is no longer a he. She is no longer a she. A True Master, A Satguru is indeed The Living Manifestation of the Unmanifestable. Such a Master represents the Great Void - and by attaching yourself to The Void, you become Void too.
"Attachment to the Void, in fact, cannot be called attachment. It is love - pure and transcendental Love. Loving the void, you become one with the Void. You become the Void.
"You may ask then why not Love the Abstract God ? It is not that easy. The idea of an Abstract God creates lots of doubts. A believer in an Abstract God is therefore always repeating to himself or herself that God is there. Such a believer has to keep on reminding himself or herself of God's Existence, Its Greatness, Majesty and Grandeur. They become fearful of God. They are afraid of God. They miss the opportunity to love God.
"God is The Energy that flows through creation. Both the movable and the immovable bear witness to The Supreme Energy. Indeed loving yourself is to love God. Discovery of love energy within is discovery of God."
"Then what is the point in accessing those discarded minds..." I was not asking. I was simply stating.
"Yes, what is the point..." The Lama was also not asking. He was stating too. Then he added very slowly, as if whispering, "You got the point."
Yes, I had got it. The point was "Love".
I looked at Sindhu. I remembered my forefather in Sindh - Gangat, The Prawn.
I realized one phase of my journey was coming to an end. One circle was complete. It started with Sindhu and ended in Sindhu. The complete circle then made the Alpha meet the Omega. The circle knew no beginning and no ending. Alpha lost in Omega, and Omega lost in Alpha.
I saluted the Lama and left Leh. On board an Indian Airline craft, I realized that I had never asked the Lama for his name. It did not occur to me that I should ask his name. It did not occur to me that I should ask his name. He remains nameless to this day. Between 1991 and 1995 I tried many times to find his whereabouts. No one could direct me to him. Some people even laughed at me, "Why didn't you ask his name?" Okay, I did not - I was foolish.
| His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso|
Then in 1995 I had the opportunity of meeting the Dalai Lama in his exile in India. We talked about many things, including Tibet's link with Indonesia through the teachings of Dharmakirti and Atisha. Then all of a sudden : "I can see you know a lot about Tibet. What makes you interested in the culture and religion of Tibet?" The Great Lama, the Dalai Lama, asked me.
"Four years back, Sir, I was dying of cancer. Then, I met a Lama in Leh and he changed my whole outlook towards life." I did not consider it appropriate to enter into details of the story.
But he thought otherwise and insisted, "What happened then, what happened?" It was a very innocent child-like curiosity.
And I told him the rest of the story, including my efforts in trying to locate that Lama - to know his whereabouts.
He laughed. And it was a hearty laugh, "So what happened with the Lama then?"
And once again he laughed.
I felt like laughing too. In his laughter I found the whereabouts of the Lama. I had located him. I had no reason to go on looking for him again.
Back to 1991, December of that year... I was in New Delhi, the capital of India, on my way back to Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia. From one capital to another capital, and yet it was from the Indies to the Indies - from what was once known as British Indies to the once Dutch Indies. The British and Dutch were gone, but the Indies remained.
Very interesting, I thought, that the word Indies was derived from Indus, Latin for Sindhu. India, Indonesia, Indies, Indus - all originated from Sindhu. And Sindhu meant the Ocean. So wide and long was the River Sindhu that is was called The Ocean - The Oceanic One, The Oceanic River.
The Blessed Bengawan Solo in Central Java, the Mysterious River Gomti in Lucknow, Pushkar, the River of Creation, in Ajmer, Sungai Ciliwung in Jakarta, River in Kobe, Kali Sunter in Jakarta again and the dry Riverbed of Chitravati near Prasanthi Nilayam... yes, all were but manifestations of one and the same Sindhu. Sindhu was flowing through each one of them. And each one of them flowed towards Sindhu - The Ocean.
I became aware of the fact that my river of life was never separated from Sindhu. They were actually one and the same. And the awareness freed me from all worries and anxieties. My soul quest had come to an end. The body had served its purpose. I touched each and every part of the body that I could touch. I thanked each one of them :
"You guys have been very helpful. Thank you eyes, thank you ears, thank you nostrils, thank you mouth.... Thank you head, thank you arms and hands, thank you chest, thank you stomach, thank you legs and feet.... Thank you, thank you my body - thank you very much. You have been so kind to me. Even though I misused you at times, even abused you, you never ever let me down. You were always by my side. Even in leukemia you accompanied me to this point of awareness. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you very much... Now you can retire. You can disintegrate and go back to your root elements and find peace in them."
I released my body from further responsibilities. There were none actually. My mind was at ease, my soul in peace. I tried to catch some sleep in my hotel room in New Delhi, for the next day I was to fly to Jakarta.
While checking in at the airport, I realized that I had been very cruel toward my body. I was dragging it from one place to another, and forcing it to do things that caused great pain. I apologized, "Please, please, please, forgive me. Forgive my stupidity, my ignorance, my unawareness."
I requested the officer in charge to arrange a wheel chair for me upon arrival in Jakarta. The lady officer looked up and said, "What about now, Sir? I can arrange one right now. You look pale, are you all right, Sir?"
I did look pale. My body was very weak. But surprisingly "I" was all right. I thanked her for the offer, declining it at the same time, "That is okay. Here the walk to the boarding gate is not much. In Jakarta it is quite a walk." Minutes later I found my soul soaring high with the aircraft. It was a unique experience. Never before had I flown like that. I was flying. Leaving behind layers upon layers of skies and heaven and consciousness - I was flying towards......
Flying towards what? It did not matter anymore. What really mattered was the flight itself. Until at one point of consciousness - rather no-consciousness, or "No Consciousness Consciousness" - I realized that the skies existed within me. I was limitless. And yet I could bow down to kiss the unseen feet of Mother Earth. But when I embraced her, I felt as if I was embracing my lover. Then I fondled and played with her, as I would fondle and play with my daughter. Earth was all three-in-one; Mother, Lover and Daughter.
I wondered what kind of consciousness was that. I even wondered at my wonderment. But then I realized that all was wonderful. The entire creation, or whatever you called it, was wonderful. Wonder of wonder, I was wonderful too.
That was my mood, my state of consciousness, when I arrived in Jakarta. My body followed my mood and refused the wheelchair. I could still walk my way to the immigration counter.
That was Saturday. On Monday I went to see my doctor. Not for a check-up or further observation but for a blood transfusion - just for that. I still had pending matters to clear and the body needed some energy, some strength to do that.
My doctor was annoyed : "You have come back after more than 3 months, where have you been ? You should have been here every week."
He was all the more disturbed when I told him that I had been in India all that while, and without proper medical care. He remarked curtly, "It is like committing suicide."
"You must be hospitalized. Now immediately! I will arrange for the ambulance."
Oh no, I was not prepared for that. I promised the doctor that I would be "a good boy", come to him for observation every week, no more breaking any of his laws, and requested a blood transfusion.
"Yes, of course, you need a blood transfusion. But you must be hospitalized for that."
Earlier, I had been able to get the transfusion from any authorized clinic. I did not have to be hospitalized for that.
"It is different now. Please try to understand. Okay, there is the most I can do for you : I will write you a note for the hospital. You go there tomorrow morning for a transfusion. But if there is any complication, they will immediately admit you to the Intensive Care Unit. I will come and see you. If there is no complication, than come again next week."
I had made up my mind on "not coming again". I had decided that would be my last blood transfusion. But I kept the decision to myself and thanked the doctor for his understanding.
Next day it took me more than 6 hours to have two packs of blood, that is about 400 cc, transfused into my body. My body temperature rose to an alarming level in spite of supplementary chemical transfused together with the blood to keep it low. So the speed of the transfusion was kept at the lowest possible level. At one point the nurse in charge wanted to call my doctor and report the situation to him. I requested her to wait for a while and she agreed to. Otherwise that day I would have certainly been hospitalized.
I realized that I could not afford to waste a single moment. Time was precious and running fast for me. Whatever errands were there, had to be taken care of immediately. I knew the final countdown had begun....
The destiny which the Lama had talked about and Shukanadi had predicted thousands of years back had no meaning for me. They were not important. I had no hopes, no expectations, no regrets, and yet I was not hopeless. I was not giving up in despair. I was accepting life in its entirety and in full awareness.
Just then, one fine morning I got up surprisingly fresh. No headache, no fever - my body felt well. I checked the time; it was 05.00 in the morning. Now that was unusual. During the last one-year or so, I would be sleeping around that time. Nights were terrible as my body temperature always rose to a very uncomfortable level. So, I concluded, I must have been sleeping that night.
Next morning I felt better still. Blood was coming back to my pale face and palms. I could feel and sense "health". But there was no rejoicing. I was not even surprised. I welcomed health very calmly and realized that the calm was effortless - very natural.
One week after the blood transfusion. I was supposed to see my doctor. And I had made up my mind against that. But the coming of the health made me change my mind. For whatever reason, I wanted to see him - I "felt" like seeing him. So I followed my feeling...
"Amazing, amazing... I must congratulate you. Finally your body is responding. Your Hemoglobin level has gone up to 8%. And that is a very good sign. It means your body mechanism is functioning again. What have you been doing ? Where have you been ?" my doctor asked me.
I explained to him in brief about the change in my attitude towards life, and of course about meditation.
"That is good, good... But I still suggest that you be under medical observations for weeks to come."
I went to see him again one week later. The Hemoglobin level had further risen to 12. But one week after that, it dropped slightly to 11% and my doctor was concerned. He put me on iron tablets. The week after, it was 12 again and he gave a sigh of relief : "Medically speaking there can be remission of the disease. I will advise you to have your blood checked on a regular basis. In the beginning, every month. Later perhaps once in three or even six months."
That was my last meeting with him, the doctor "recommended" by Sage Shuka for me. I did not find it necessary to consult him again. I was healthy.
My family, my friends, and my business associates considered it a "miracle". I was miraculously saved, they said. Well, life is a miracle, so I did not argue with them. My definition of the word miracle, though, differed from theirs.
What is not miraculous anyway ? The change in my outlook towards life was miraculous.
The way I accepted life so holistically, readily and naturally, was a miracle. Miracles happen every day in my life, nay, in Life.
Looking back at those days, I remember my bankers and business associates persuading me to "get back to business". I was healthy, they said. I had to do something with my life, they insisted.
I was healthy, yes, I agreed. But that I had to do something with my life did not make sense to me. Life is continuously flowing. I can only flow with it. What else can I do with it? Can I "do anything with it" for that matter?
I had the strength and will power to decline all those lucrative offers, and I found that miraculous. Flowing with life ever since, I can share something with hundreds of thousands through pages of my books and touch millions of heart through talk shows on television, radio and personal meetings and be blessed by them - this is a miracle.
Miracle keep happening, and I keep flowing - flowing with Sindhu, the Oceanic River of Life. I am no longer searching for anything. The Soul Quest has ended. But my Journey has just begun - The Journey from Death to Immortality, The Journey Within.
"Hey what do you mean ? What death?"
"No, no, no, no, no.... Death is fictitious. There is no such thing as death. Death loses its meaning for one who has transcended the fear of it. Death is only meaningful as long as one has not transcended it, as long as one is still fearful of it." I recognized the Voice. It was the Voice of .... No, I better not use the word. It came from within from The Great Voiceless Void.
"Get ready, on your mark.... Go...."
And to this hour, to this moment, I go on flowing with Life, with Existence....